i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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