I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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