Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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