I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
