Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
