I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
