i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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