He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
