He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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