someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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