k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
