omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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