Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
