You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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