i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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