What did we do last night that was yellow?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
