when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
