Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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