How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
