if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
