Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just found puke in my bra..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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