just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
