Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
