You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
