doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
