Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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