..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
