last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
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He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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