I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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