I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
