I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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