guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
