i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
