when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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