I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I believe in your delicious
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
