So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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