well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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