u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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