you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
