we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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