That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
