I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize