My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
