If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
only if we run a train.
done.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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