He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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