im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
