He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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