Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
