she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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