I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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