Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
