I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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