There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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