I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
