I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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